how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just found puke in my bra..
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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