I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
