You don't have asthma, your pregnant
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
