I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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