I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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