i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
