My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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