i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
