my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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