I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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