Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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