I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
