He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i think my cat just said my name.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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