Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
