i think i have two assholes
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
