Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
