Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
