Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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