Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
