Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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