1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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