Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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