I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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