Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
