Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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