Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
