OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
