I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
