i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize