There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
