There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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