I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
