Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
