I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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