I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
