I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
