Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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