just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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