I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
time to smoke my breakfast
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
