also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
