A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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