mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
