I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
