I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We left an ass print on the piano.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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