trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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