I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
4 words: hood of his car
I am full of burrito and curiosity
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize