I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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