i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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