I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
