I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
