I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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