Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
