I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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