I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
