I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize