I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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