Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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