Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
