Ketchup is God's man juice
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
