those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
