I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Green mimosas i think yes
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
