someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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