i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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