Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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