She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
