I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
