You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
